Alt. Ep. Title: “Immature Maturity + Lead Aenema = Boom Climax!”

Another wacky title that has long been on our to do list. An anime movie that is so off-the-wall batty that it practically defies description. A highly potent mix of Ren and Stimpy vulgarity and Looney Tunes logic. Dead Leaves leaps off the screen with its fast-paced kinetic visual style and intense attitude. It manages to astound and shock for almost it’s entire 55 minute running time! 

Retro and Pandy are probably some of anime’s coolest psychotic mutant bad asses that happen to have an extreme case of amnesia. Although, I bet that the list is fairly short. The varied if somewhat dull color palette and hyper-chaotic choreography definitely stand out and keep the excitement pumping. The wacky characters, obscene humor, and appropriately silly dub also add a lot to the experience. If you like your anime to have obscenely exaggerated comic book style sensibilities than look no further than Dead Leaves!

The Hard Cast is bustin’ out of this joint with our mutant gene clusters and we’re looking for some criminal clone cohorts to act as cannon fodder. If you’re ready to swear allegiance to your new Penile Masters then grab a gun or an all-mighty cock drill because Triple 6 and Triple 7 are on the prowl. While we’re at it let’s try not to get turned around in the exact opposite direction. Woo-Woo!

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS: 8.25
  
• -VICTOR: 8.?
  
• -PATRICK: 8
  

Episode Length: 31:52

Support The Hard Cast by purchasing through our referral links:

Amazon: Dead Leaves DVD

 
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Alternate Ep. Title: “Honorable Lion Dancing Chores!”

The first episode of our new Shaw Bros. Before Hoes segment is all about the very entertaining Martial Club from 1981. Directed by the master himself Lau Kar Leung and starring the amazing Gordon Lui and the lovely Kara Hui. We will hopefully be doing even more Shaw Bros. classics and will try and get more members on board for future episodes so keep your five fingers of death crossed.

Although a bit long for a Shaw Brothers film (107 min.) the story is fairly solid and tends to focus on elements of honor, discipline, friendship, and integrity rather than the standard revenge plots that are so common. Gordon Lui, Kara Hui, and all the main players acquit themselves quite well once the fists start flying and there is definitely no shortage of elaborate/long fight sequences. The alleyway fight at the end being the highlight of the movie. The overuse of slapstick humor does sometimes feel out of place but fortunately not enough to detract from the overall viewing experience. Recommended to all old-school martial arts fans!

The Hard Cast is judging this years Lion Dance and needs to know that all participating martial artists have the required cloth checking and rice carrying skills. Humility and proper Kung-Fu etiquette are absolutely essential if you don’t want to get impaled on a bamboo pole!

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS: 7.85
  
• -PATRICK: 7.5
  

Episode Length: 27:35

Support The Hard Cast by purchasing through our referral links:

Amazon: Martial Club DVD
 
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Beware the subtle technique of Eye Rapeage!

Alternate Ep. Title: “Time-Traveling Cock Blockage is for Squids!”

Charles Band’s Trancers seems to be heavily influenced from the likes of Blade Runner, The Terminator, and zombie movies but smeared in a thick B-Movie coating. Unfortunately, the lack of a budget, time, capable writers, and resources are all very apparent. Luckily Tim Thomerson, Helen Hunt, and Art LeFleur manage to elevate the movie slightly above complete obscurity.

The protagonist of Jack Deth is a gruff/no-nonsense Marlowe-esque character. Tim Thomerson dives in head first managing to play the role with gusto and intensity. Thomerson’s performance, crazy one-liners, and exaggerated reactions are the biggest sources of entertainment. Confusing writing, storyline gaps, huge leaps of faith, misleading cover art and a very forgettable/boring villain in the form of Michael Stefani’s Whistler. Not to mention an extremely short running time of 76 minutes. The time traveling mechanic was handled in a somewhat creative way but really wasn’t particularly well thought out. One can an only imagine that the sequels get progressively worse.

The Hard Cast Council is looking for able-bodied troopers to send down the line. Before we start handing out Long Second Watches you better be sure you have what it takes to singe some Trancers along with the occasional rabid orangutan. If you think you do then be prepared to grease up that head because “Dry hair is for squids!”

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS: 6
  
• -PATRICK: 5
  

Episode Length: 39:00

Support The Hard Cast by purchasing through our referral links:

Amazon: Trancers DVD
Amazon: Trancers – The Definitive Collection

Trancers Trailer

PS: I wish the movie had been about the guy in the poster art…

 
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Alternate Ep. Title: “Zelda’s Spectacular Horse Strap-On!”

Joe Mad’s take on a post-apocalyptic demon-ravaged Zelda rip-off has been a long time coming but now that it’s finally out we can say that Darksiders has been worth the wait and we are definitely looking forward to the eventual sequel. Props to greenhorn developer Vigil Games for releasing a new intellectual property in a year that is just chock full of sequels to well known triple A titles.

A title that I have personally been highly anticipating ever since first seeing screenshots back in 2007 during E3. Having lusted for a true next gen (or is that current gen?) Zelda style adventure for so long, I have to say that THQ’s Darksiders bludgeons its way into that gap quite nicely. Sprinkle some God of War style combat and Joe Mad’s insanely-visceral comic book art style and you’ve got a fairly compelling gaming mix. Not to mention some truly bad ass characters such as War (VENGEANCE!), Ulthane (The Black Hammer), and Samael (Tim Curry would be proud!). The extreme lack of challenge in the puzzles/combat, less than precise controls, and heavily borrowed gameplay mechanics do mar the overall experience. However, we still wholeheartedly recommend this title to both old-school adventurers and to the next generation of gaming junkies!

The End War has commenced and The Hard Cast needs Angelic Heroes and Demonic Warriors to face off against the Destroyer’s army. It’s time to dust off your Zelda skills but be sure to heed Vulgrim’s words and “Take your time.” Just don’t get caught with your hands wrapped around Ulthane’s black hammer or Samael might eat your heart out!

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS: 8.5
  
• -VICTOR: 7.4
  

Episode Length: 35:54

Support The Hard Cast by purchasing through our referral links:

Amazon: Darksiders X360
Amazon: Darksiders PS3

 
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Alt. Ep. Title: “Drinking Formaldehyde Laced Milk in Baltimore Baby!”

Prime 11 has finally dropped and let me tell you, it is one uncoordinated puppy! Ample apologies for the extreme delays, the obstruction of progress, our frivolous dilly-dallying, our impeded output, the lengthy downtime, and the general retardation of our informaly casual get-togethers. We hope we can still provide you with a super juicy fun time despite all this.

Discussions revolving around a broad range of topics such as: Shutter Island, Pandorum, Surrogates, Black Dynamite, The Pagemaster, Law Abiding Citizen, Kurt Wimmer, Mean Machine, formaldehyde in milk, Battlestar Galactica, Top Gear, abandoned tanks, V for Vendetta, Trapped in the Closet, mass graves, Aliens vs Predator, The Wire, Book of Eli, The Crazies, bad voice-acting in videogames and much more wack-tastic kung-fu treachery!

Probably enough of a volatile load to upgrade the status of this shindig from Hoedown to Hootenanny. Either way, you can bet your ass that this episode is a hell of a lot more funky than a barrel full of expired grape flavored butt plugs and you can take THAT to the bank!

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS
• -MARLON
• -VICTOR
• -PATRICK
• -SPANISH
  

Episode Length: 50:00

Links of Interest:
Clean Your Balls With Axe!
Top 50 Worst Videogame Voice Acting
Disclose TV (Truth Revealed)
V For Vocabulary 1
 
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Alternate Ep. Title: “The Bitter Taste of Space Dildo!”

Lots of cheesy creature effects (tentacles!), imaginative character designs, goofy sidekicks (comic relief), over-the-top transformation sequences (NIPPLES!), a unique soundtrack, a very lovely female protagonist (Hubba Hubba!) who happens to be an intergalactic ass-kicking bounty hunter with a massive arsenal, and a cynical talking computer named Bob.

The original Zeiram was released in the early 90′s back when anime and manga was really starting to gain a foothold in the US. This probably contributed greatly to it’s semi-cult following. Of course the very enjoyable prequel anime known as Iria also had a lot to do with the popularity of the iconic characters. Director Keita Amemiya’s fusion of classic eastern visual styles with traditional western sci-fi elements is unique and memorable despite the obvious budget constraints. Yuko Moriyama’s portrayal of the stoic Iria is certainly solid and her physical prowess as well as her sex appeal improved significantly in the subsequent sequel. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for the lackluster story which seemed to be mostly an afterthought. The SFX are varied and include animatronics, stop-motion-animation, rubber suits, CGI, and standard pyrotechnics. Overall, both movies are worthy of their semi-cult status and deserve to be in any Sci-Fi B-Movie fan’s collection.       

Zeiram is on the loose again and about to terrorize the feeble inhabitants of Earth. The Hard Cast needs sexy female bounty hunters who can kick alien ass and chew space dildo. There’s also a couple openings for some human sidekicks. Just try not to get raped by any meatball tentacle monsters and don’t be afraid to kick a mutant dog minion, especially if you’re going to be a father!

PARTICIPANTS:

• -CHRIS: 6.85 (Z1) 7 (Z2)
  
• -LUIZ: 6.9 (Z1) 7.25 (Z2)
  

Episode Length: 43:15

Support The Hard Cast by purchasing through our referral links:

Amazon: Zeiram Duology (Zeiram 1&2 Double Feature)
Amazon: Iria: Zeiram The Animation (The Complete Collection)

Zeiram Trailer
Zeiram 2 Trailer

PS: Let us know if you’re interested in hearing us review/discuss any of Keita Amemiya’s other work such as Moon Over Tao or Mechanical Violator Hakaider.

 
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